A Thousand Moments

This is my month of August in a nutshell:

School year starting!

Tired

Discouraged

Excited

Running on adrenaline

Pop tart wrappers crushed in the cupholder

Snooze button smashing

Baby monitor wailing

Family laughing and babies crying

New camera

Runny noses                                                          In case you were wondering, yes,

Finding sticky pink medicine droplets                     this picture is a joke!

Eighth graders singing "Beautiful Things"              

Jewelry in the pocket, running out the door

3:00 am feedings  (Yes, still)

Dancing to Backyardigans

Clouds of hairspray

Rolling past stop signs

Lunch duty

Playfully hitting husband when kids aren't watching

Sweaty swinging and climbing

Hurricane anticipating

Diaper changing and potty training

Castle building

Fast food eating

Desperate, rushed, and self-centered prayers
Quick scriptures (like trying to enjoy lunch while I'm on duty)

But somehow in the midst of it all, God managed to grab me tight and whisper something sweet:

One day is like a thousand years....

2 Peter 3:8-9
 But you must not forget this one thing, dear friends: A day is like a thousand years to the Lord, and a thousand years is like a day.

Usually I hear people referring to this scripture when explaining how God is outside of time or even how the world may have been created.  They concentrate on the "a thousand years is like a day" part. 

But let me slow down and read the first part.  One day is like a thousand years.

One day is like a thousand years to God?

He smiled down on me and let me see.  I got a glimpse of how He knows every moment of every person.  He cares for every moment.  Thousands of moments in my day are seen by God and loved by God.  And yours, too.

 Ps 56:8

8 You number my wanderings;
Put my tears into Your bottle;
Are they not in Your book?
NKJV (emphasis mine)

Ps 139:13-16

13 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
14 I thank you, High God — you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration — what a creation!
15 You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
16 Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.

(from THE MESSAGE: The Bible in Contemporary Language © 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson. All rights reserved.) (Emphasis mine.)

And She Wrapped Him in Swaddling Clothes...

As a desperate, sleep deprived, frazzled (victoriously frazzled) mother, I swaddled Ellington.  From the day she was born until she could crawl, I swaddled her.  Now I still swaddle little six-month old Emery. 

 

For those of you who may not know how swaddling works, you lay the baby on a blanket, fold the blanket over the right arm and tuck, tuck the bottom over the feet by the right arm, and fold the rest of the blanket around the left arm. 

I personally feel that the tighter the blanket is around the baby, the longer the baby will sleep!  I fold and tuck, jerk and tuck, jerk and tuck more, then cinch it tight.  Yes, she does look slightly mummified, but maybe, just maybe, she'll sleep an hour longer. 

If my closest friends and family read this, they may be thinking, "Has she gone crazy? Now she's blogging about swaddling.  We have got to get her some help."  But I am not ashamed!  Swaddling works.  At least it makes me feel somewhat more in control of my chaotic life! I mean, even Mary swaddled Jesus, right? 

One day this summer, I was getting Em ready for bed.  We were in our bedroom at our old house, window unit blasting cold air down the hallway, lights dimmed, eleven o'clock at night.  I was tired; Andrew was already fast asleep.  Em is wide awake.  I think, "Swaddling always put Ellington to sleep, so I'll go ahead and get her swaddled and in her bassinet."

Emery flails her arms about and smiles as I lean over her.  As I tuck one arm in, the other arm goes up.  I get it down by her side, tuck it in, and the other arm slides up and out of the blanket.  Emery laughs. Start over. 

I tuck the first arm again.  I catch the other flying arm and tuck it in the blanket.  The first arm comes up and slides out of the blanket.  Emery laughs again.  Start over. 

I tuck the first arm again....and so it goes SEVEN more times. 

I admit, the flesh took over and I banged my fists on the bed like a mad woman.  (Yes, mad, in both senses of the word!)

At this point, I am so frustrated with this innocent, laughing, baby, that  I am talking aloud while swaddling her.  "You are GOING to stay in this blanket.  You WILL sleep good tonight.  At least four hours straight!!"

After a couple more times, the conversation sounded like this, "Quit trying to get out!  This is for your own good!  I promise!  Just LET ME SWADDLE YOU!"

Interestingly, God chose this most appropriately ordained moment to teach me a lesson. 

Just like Emery's cinched blanket, as children of God, we see His rules and laws as binding--like something that was created just to hold us back from "having fun" and "living in freedom."  But in the end, it is the truth (the law, the Word of God, His standard of living) that sets us free. 

You see, if I totally did what I wanted to do, I may end up a drunkard, an adulterer, a pleasure seeker, a power hog, an insane woman with fear, and who knows what else.  And when I became that, I would be living an empty, vain, unfulfilled life for myself.  I would die a depressed woman, bound in dispair. 

I need His standards and laws.  I love His law.  It actually frees me.  No, I don't always get to do what I want to do.  However, my soul feels free!  I feel no weight of guilt, fear, unfufillment, emptiness, or pride. 

Like Emery gets her best nights of sleep being swaddled, I get my best life when I am surrendered to His Word and His Way.  She wakes up happier and aware, and I live my life more aware of His presence and His loving hand against my back, guiding my every step. 

Psalm 119

44  I will keep on obeying your instructions forever and ever. 

45  I will walk in freedom, for I have devoted myself to your commandments. 

47How I delight in your commands!  How I love them! 

An Oak Planted by the Mississippi

He is real.  Jesus is still alive.  Yes, I know this because I feel His genuine presence.  I can relax in an inexplicable peace.  I am not hungry for things to satisfy my soul.  I am happy.  I am alive inside.  My worth isn't based on my mood or how someone else treats me.  I am alive inside.

I do not feel the need to argue with those who do not know Him.  His presence alone is proof enough for me.  There are too many, way too many miracles and answered prayers...too many perfect, holy whispers in my heart that corrected me or encouraged me.  Too many scriptures that came at just the right moment.  Too many moments of uncontrolled, self-control!  (Uncontrolled in that God was the one who gave me self-control! I can't control myself by myself.) 

I do admit there have been very hard days.  Days when I feel depressed and discouraged.  Sometimes I feel like my soul gets tired or sad.  But then I read the words of the Lord.  He reminded me on one of those dark days, that I need to abide in Jesus.  (John15: 4)  Then I thought, "Did I read the Bible today?  Did I talk to the Lord?  No.  Ok, that's why I'm restless and depressed.  I'm not abiding!" 

[John 15:4  Abide in Me, and I in you.  As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me.] 

Just like a tree gets dry and withered in a drought, my soul thirsts for His presence.  And let me be honest, I don't always thirst for His presence because I just want to spend time with Him.  It is more out of desperation to live.  And not just to survive, but to thrive!  To live life abundantly, as Jesus Himself said it. 

The only way I can truly live is to abide in Him. 

Psalm 1: 2-3                                                                            Erin's version

But his delight is in the law of the Lord,                              If I love your Word and read it and think about it
And in His law he meditates day and night.                       and talk to You about it...


He shall be like a tree                                                             Then I'll be just the person you want me to be

Planted by the rivers of water,                                             Always overflowing in Your presence

                                                                                                  and everything that comes with it

That brings forth its fruit in its season,                              I'll display the fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace

                                                                                                  patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness 

                                                                                                  and self control) and accomplish my purpose

Whose leaf also shall not wither;                                       I won't feel like I'm dying inside, loathing myself 

                                                                                                or others. 

And whatever he does shall prosper.                             And whatever You put Me to do will prosper! 

                                                                                              People will ask, "Why does everything in her life

                                                                                              seem to go well?  And when it doesn't, how is

                                                                                              she still at peace?"

My Verdict on Judgment

He drew in the sand.  With thousands of other followers, I too, wish I knew what Jesus wrote and what he was thinking.  Before I accuse someone before the Lord or try to cast a stone OR allow what God does to someone else to affect my faith, I must bend down and write on the ground.  In other words, I must take a moment and reflect when I am tempted to judge. 

First, I need to remember that we are not called to judge those who have not made a commitment to Christ.  Why would I look down on someone who does this or that, when that person never made a commitment not to do those things?  The Word even states that "non Christians" have already been judged for not believing in God's one and only Son.  (John 3:18)

Secondly, when I see other believers sin, I should think to myself, "Erin, if all the circumstances and events in your life were the same as theirs, you may have done the SAME THING!"  If my dad would have walked out on me, if my boyfriend would have abused me, if I went to that high school, then yes, I quite possibly would have made those same decisions. 

I am not called to judge the motives of people. 

Sin is sin.  We do not have to go looking for it.  Anyone who reads the Bible can also plainly see what is considered sin. 

So yes, when I see my brother or sister sin, I know it is sin.  But I will not judge his or her motive for doing it.  I will humbly and lovingly remember that I still sin and am forgiven.  I will also remember that Jesus loves that person as much as He loves me! 

DC pics from 2009.

Much, much more can be said about this topic, but I choose to leave it at that today!  Lord, help me to love like you do.  You know, agape style!

Blessings On a Home

Jesus, as we dwell in this place, may we have:

Baby Gurgles
Unrestrained laughter
The Presence of God
Family games

Sweet sleep
Peace that passes understanding
Uncompromising holiness
Squeals of laughter
Hugs and kisses
Hope for the next day
High expectations
Savory meals
Smells of fresh laundry, baking cookies, and clorox cleanliness
Scripture quoting
Babies growing tall
Submission to authority
Loving correction
The pitter patter of chasing feet
Refreshing rains, especially during nap time--minus the thunder
Intimacy
God directed decisions
Commitment
Health and strength in our bodies
Daily wisdom
Honor
Yes mams and pleases and thank yous
Long evening walks
Relaxing baths
Celebrations
Comfort in sorrow
Childlike faith
Safety in our comings and goings
Purposes to accomplish
Actions that glorify God!

 

Once Upon a Time

Our little family recently took a big step–a move to a newer, bigger house.  It was a bit of an adjustment for all of us, especially for Ellington.  The night of the fourth of July wasn’t the best idea–hence the booming, sizzling, and crackling of fireworks in the neighborhood.  (She talks about fireworks every night before going to bed now.)

But I wanted to take a moment to reflect on the good and bad memories on sweet Arlington Drive, our first house.

January.  Wet, cold, and chilling to the bone that year.  We move in the house and as evening falls, we click on the heater. Hmmm…what is that burning smell?  Stop.  Open up the closet door.  Hear gas, light the pilot light.  BOOM!  A fire ball bursts forth in the hallway, almost reaching the other wall.  It was one of those fire balls that pushes out like a cloud coming forth and then collapses upon itself and sucks back in.  Of course Dad thought we were exaggerating the experience, but after having his eyebrows slightly singed, he believed us.

After days of space heaters and hovering over an iceburg of a toilet seat, our new heater arrived.  Then the microwave broke.  Then the plumbing backed up–the first of numerous times!  We learned how to give these mishaps to the Lord.  (See below.)  As only God can, the buyer of our house was the sister to the plumber that fixed our pipes on a regular basis.

We also learned about the responsibilities of the a home and the costs.  Blinds on windows, shelves in closets, and grass–oh wait–we never got that to grow.  We contemplated every dollar spent and learned how to be good stewards of our money.  We had to wait to buy a television.  Wait to buy new towels.  We eventually added a patio and a back door.

It was at this new house we finished and started new schooling.  We began our careers and discussed it all taking long evening walks together.

Our lives changed when we experienced loss.  I can still remember the salty mixture of tears and mucus as I cried and cried in our little bedroom.  My heart broke all over again after seeing my pregnancy books lying  on the bedside table when we got home from the hospital.

Then God blessed us with another little girl!  It was in that same bedroom I faced and  conquered fears of loss.  After Elle was born, I was again familiar with the salty tears, but this time it was not because of a broken heart but of broken strength and endurance.  Whew!  She was a tough baby.

Elle learned how to eat solid food, walk, talk, and SLEEP in that house.  Then Emery came along.  What a sweet, unexpected gift.  She is our double portion.  She is the cherry on top of our already sweet ice cream.
I learned how difficult it was (and is) to parent and to parent two–including a terrible (but wonderful) two-year-old.

No, I haven’t read the entire Bible within a year or memorized my alphabet verses.  But I have gotten to know the Lord.  And that is what living is all about!

Grace Leigh

As I sit up in bed during Em’s 3:00 feeding, my mind wanders.  For worriers like me, this can be detrimental to my happiness and peace.  Only since the past year, I can picture  in detail horrible things happening to my family in a matter of seconds.  It’s like a dream but in real time, while I am wide awake.

Thankfully, the Lord has taught me how to combat these anxieties through the Word.  But that is a whole other post in itself!

However, there is one thing I wanted to share:

After walking through my own tragedy, I realize that the next one could be around the corner.  Admitting that to myself has shaken me.  I realize that God may allow another tragedy to occur in my life at any time.
But rather than live like a “crazy mom,” being extremely overprotective and worried and depressed all at the same time, I choose to remember the main lesson I learned through the loss of my first baby girl at eighteen weeks pregnant.

 It is wrapped up in five simple words:  But He Gives More Grace. (Jas. 4:6)

Grace Leigh Stokes was a gift.  And it was only by His grace that we were able to let her go and continue living.  Therefore, we named her Grace.

Do you have a list of what-ifs?  Here’s mine:

What if we lose another child?   But He gives more grace!

What if I lose my job?  But He gives more grace!

What if my mom or dad dies?  But He gives more grace!

What if I get cancer?  But He gives more grace!

What if Andrew dies?  But He gives more grace!

God’s grace will abound during tragedy and broken hearts. 

It is sufficient. It is everything to me. 

(Originally written June 29, 2012.)

He Loves Me...He Loves Me Not...

I wish that I could go all day–every moment–consciously knowing and feeling God’s love for me.  As I’m buckling the kids into sweltering car seats…He loves me so much!  As I’m browning ground beef…He loves me so very much!  But it is so very hard for me.

To think– God loves me.  He enjoys me!  Say it out loud– God enjoys me.

Yes, the many days that I have  bad attitudes and make wrong choices, I feel the weight of God’s furrowed brow and harsh cold eyes.  I hear, “Three days, Erin,  since you’ve read the Bible.  And pray?  Ha! You’ll have terrible children at the rate you’re going!”

But if I listen close enough, I notice it’s the same slithering, stealthy voice that seduced Eve.  The enemy.

God does not love the way humans love.  (I’m so glad!)  He doesn’t count up mistakes and hold them against us.  He doesn’t make decisions on a whim or based on a mood swing.  He doesn’t sarcastically snap back answers to prayers from a “long lost sinner.”

When I hold my sweet Emery, I feel that overwhelming warmth of love and joy.  Then it HITS me:  He gave His own.  He died.  His love was SO great that He died for me.  (And you!)

So next time I feel condemned, discouraged and well, just plain “snake-ified,” I will remember the words of Paul.

Love (God) is patient.
Love (God) is kind….
Love (God) is not rude…
Love (God) is not irritable  and He keeps no record of being wronged…
Love (God) never gives up, [He's] always hopeful, and Love (God) will last forever!
(Taken from 1 Corinthians 13 NLT)

Yes, He enjoys me.  He loves me.

 It doesn’t even change when I sin so badly:  But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.  (Rom. 5:8 NKJV)

Oh that I would really know the width and length and depth and height.  To know the love of Christ that passes knowledge… (Eph. 3:18-19)

And so I stop picking the flower on “He loves me!”

(Originally written on June 27, 2012.)

Why Compare?


My home-preschool dream-summer has been bombarded by potty-training and pacifer finding.   It doesn’t help that Facebook and Pinterest allow me to see all the wonderful ideas other moms and teachers have incorporated into their seemly endless days.  All of my inadequacies and failures seem to be brought to light when I see what others are doing or not doing.

Comparisons either bring down or puff up, both of which are rooted in pride because they are focused on “self.”

So how do I stop this tormenting cycle of measurement and defeat??  I desperately go back to the Lord and put (back on) the mind of Christ.

I take GREAT comfort in knowing that You don’t think the way I think!  Nor do you compare me to any other humans.

Lord, You do, however, compare me to Holiness.  You compare me to Jesus.  And when I don’t measure up, you make me holy for me. 

Yes, You died to make me measure up.  You sacrificed Your Son to make me holy.

You see my filthy sin-stained rags and simply wash them clean in your own life-blood.  Making me holy is Your delight!

So, why do I worry about what people think?  Why do I compare myself to them even though you don’t even compare me to them?  You compare me to Holy.  And you delight when I don’t measure up and You make me holy.

(Originally written June 25, 2012.)

A New Kind of Journal

I would like to document my wonderings, questions, and revelations through this blog.  No, I don’t believe I have anything unusual or extraordinary to share with the internet world, and I’m mostly doing this for myself.  However, it may be that God will use this in someone’s life.  So here I am!  Maybe I should say, “Here am I.  Send me (and my blog).” Ha!

(Originally written June 24, 2012.)